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25th June 2003
dont you wish you were weightless?
i dont write in here regularly enough i think oh well things still suck i still have no friends its ok i dont really know what i would do with friends anyway im not very goot at being one i think well who knows i try i wish i was one of those people that could just get wasted and pass out and never wake up or accidentally get hit by a truck as im driving on the highway i usually wish for it when im driving home from work when im driving to work im too worried that ill be late but why? its just a friggin part time job with no meaning at all i could quit anytime but so much importance lies within it i dont know why i just find books for people and work with asshole butch girls and nerdy guys who think theyre smarter than everyone else well thats not fair to say, there are some really nice people but i wouldnt be friends with any of them i wouldnt be friends with anyone there is nobody i want to be friends with except for maybe casey and maris but they live in chicago and philly respectively and i just dont have the time to see them but if i cut my hours then i could but then i wouldnt have enough money so i wouldnt be able to so that would suck see im typing really really fast right now and its totally working out but how come i have to be on the internet in some ay to actually write and i cant just sit down and open some word program and actually type out the book in my head? it wont happen i dont know why my therapist thinks i should take a nudie drawing class so i can make friends and maybe meet a boy since its been forever and a day or two or three and then maybe i could go back to school maybe to san francisco who knows i just need to get the hell out of here. :
oh ps my dad is a fucking asshole and my sister is psychotic. i am being completely literal here.
3rd June 2003
im going to make an embarassing crazy-person-esque confession: sometimes i think i am sylvia plath reincarnated, but shorter, chubbier, and trying really hard not to kill myself this time. :
i hate my body a lot. ever see a pig standing on 2 feet? no? well picture it, and youve got me. i wish i could get liposuction. it would be so stupid...totally against what i believe in...but SHIT i want it so bad...to get rid of my goddamn fat that refuses to go away, id be so happy. im so fucked up its disgusting. sorry, this is just one of my daily battles...today i chose to address it. usually i try to ignore it. its like a demon...like, if i let the thoughts in a little, they push through more and more and then they wont leave and im totally consumed by them and then i burst and have an anxiety attack. thats my life. sucks right? im close to being on the verge of an attack, but if i pop a zoloft i feel better (placebo effect i think) and ill just go to bed to try not to look in the mirror. thats the way it goes. motherfucking life.
my friend aaron asked me if i wanted to try out for american idol with him- hes doing montell jordans' "this is how we do it". picture a skinny pale hot emo kid with big holes in his ears. thats aaron. he wants me to do a styx song...i was thinking of doing "fever". or "magic man". anyone got ideas??
when the urge strikes to swerve into the next lane as a truck passes with its big steel rigs shrieking and blinding you just shine your mirror right back and try not to think about the attractive pain to follow hope to be cured close your mouth and swallow you didnt choose this life so keep driving.
29th April 2003
when good things happen to good people who are used to bad things so they get confused
so me and leigh went to rockaway beach, ny to see ricky and we got lost it shouldve only taken us like less than 2 hours but it took us FOUR. we drove all over there, in the ghettoest places ive ever seen, queens, the bronx, oh jenny from the block came on the radio while we were lost in the bronx it was a touching moment and then we finaaalllly got there after a nice cabby let us follow him and we saw ricky and willie near the pickles n' pie like they said and we ate chinese in a studio and then we went to leighs and played pool in her basement and jain, lindsey, uriy, and loryn came and we drank and smoked pot out of a budweiser can and we all had lots and lots of crazy fun and lindsey and ricky bonded over iron maiden and willie and wes kept saying TERRENTIAL!!!! and ricky kept trying to make out with me and he kept fighting with leigh about screwdriver and trying to makeout with her too and i smoked too many cigarettes and then when they left ricky kissed me goodbye and said i was his girl and hed always love me and then it was weird and i left and they followed me to 287 and then that was it. ive been confused ever since. :
cause ricky was my first love. what the hell am i doing trying to avoid kissing him? i am insane. truly truly.
23rd April 2003
well hey now kids...this is me
sometimes in the morning i am petrified and cant move awake but cannot open my eyes and the weight is crushing down on my lungs i know i cant breathe and hope someone will help me this time your mothers still calling you isnane and high swearing its different this time and you tell her to give in to the demons that possess her and that god never blessed her insides then you hang up the phone and feel badly for upsetting things and crawl back into bed to dream of a time when your heart was open wide and you loved things just because like the sick and the dying and sometimes when you're on youre really FUCKING on and your friends they sing along and they love you but the lows are so extreme that the good seems FUCKING cheap and it teases you for weeks in its absence but youll fight and youll make it through youll fake it if you have to and youll show up for work with a smile and youll be better youll be smarter more grown up a better daughter or son and a real good friend and youll be awake youll be alert youll be positive though it hurts and youll laugh and embrace all of your friends and youll be a real good listener youll be honest youll be brave youll be handsome and youll be beautiful youll be happy your ship may be coming in youre weak but not giving in and youll fight it youll go out fighting all of them...
21st April 2003
hey...thats my bike.
When you don’t leave your house until it’s dark the road looks blurry and the only thing keeping :
you from driving into a tree is the song you’re trying to sing in perfect key.
1st April 2003
happy birthday to meee...
so i turned 21 yesterday. it is very exciting. on sunday i made leigh and jain come with me to Fridays so i could have a fun drink at midnite. the waiter let me have a drink BEFORE midnite which kinda ruined the plan it was fun. i had a rasberry long island iced tea. he was kind of geeky but really nice. since it was late on a sunday, hardly anyone was in the place, so instead of having people sing to me, he grabbed like 6 balloons and tied them in my hair, so my hair was sticking straight up in the air. luckily we have pictures. :
so then on monday, my actual bday, i had to have dinner with my dad which sucked cause hes an idiot. BUT THEN we went to PHILLY! jain drove and i drank. not at the same time, you know what i mean. we went to see maris and she took us to continental and this is what i drank:
1. a champagne-o-rama.
2. a few glasses of white wine (we got a bottle)
3. a red headed slut (round of shots for my bday)
4. a cosmo
needless to say, once we left and i got all shaken up in the car, we pulled over and i puked on the sidewalk in a perfect puddle. then i was fine and maris got me water and a bag for the ride home. shes so awesome. i love her.
hey i only turn 21 once!!!
today it took all day to recover. once i crashed on the couch i didnt move. it was great.
i just took a bath.
im reading the raddest book ever- "Diary of a Teenage Girl" by Phoebe Gloeckner. its a book with comics in it. its fucking amazing. im turning into such a book nerd.
someone please makeout with me! im cute i swear!
28th March 2003
it's whats for dinner
wine makes me pleasantly horny. :
in a totally romantic, sexy, sensual way.
like how i can feel my eyes watering, dilating, sparkling.
thats gotta be hot.
too bad no ones here to see me in all my drunken glory.
they'd probably get lucky.
i really like coffee.
i also really like a boy. its been awhile since ive liked a boy. maybe i just like him because hes the only new boy in my life and its been a long time. a really really really long time. or maybe its just cause hes smart. who knows. all i know is i realllly want to makeout with him. :
my dads still gone. what a bastard. its nice being just girls in the house now though, i have to admit. hes coming home this weekend though and taking me and my sis out for dinner for my birthday. its gonna be weird.
i am soo broke. i start working again tommorrow. i really need the money but im praying they dont schedule me on my bday. ill be so upset. and i dont want to complain cause im trying not to complain so much, so itll be even more painful to work on my birthday without saying anything. keeping it inside makes it even worse. god im such a loudmouth.
i saw the streets on carson last week- its on tonite. i was the only person in the whole fucking place that was groovin and singing along. the band kept looking up at us. they made us go on the balcony. we were too late. i was very pissed. its cause we had to fucking walk instead of taking a cab. grrrr. anyway, we wanted to be on tv cause we were mike skinners biggest fans there but they were assholes and ignored us. carson is a loser. doogie howser was there* rock!
i saw the hours. it was so good. chicago is the most overrated fucking piece of shit movie ever made. the OSCARS were totally fixed, i have no doubt in my mind. its all because of the gay mafia. totally mediocre.
anyway, thats all for now. wish me luck with the boy*
19th March 2003
my life is even suckier than before! yay! :
my dad has left and moved to florida. apparently hes a cheater. which is really really gross to think about.
on a much cooler note..carson daly tommorrow night (him not being the cool part). i will be there rockin out to the streets. mike skinner. mm yum yum.
id really like to smoke some pot. but thats not gonna happen tonite.
dave grohl got engaged to that blonde slut. may she drop dead on their wedding day.
my cat is so fucking awesome.
recently read books that rock: Lamb; the gospel according to biff, christs' childhood pal (fucking great), the lovely bones, anything by tom robbins.
shut up im the driver you're the passenger.
do you understand or do you need an interpreter?
im gonna be 21 in 2 weeks! yaay. we're going to lucky chengs. it will be super super grand.
11th January 2003
shopping is not creating
oh ive got rage. ive just learned to ignore it. :
ive got pain too. it's just become numb.
my nose is red not from the cold - from trying hard not to let my eyes leak. ive cried so much that i
the only friend i've got is my cat (i don't talk to her or anything crazy-like)
she licks me cause she loves me. she's the only one who does.
i used to practice sleeping all the way on one side of the bed so someday another body would fit next to me.
i've given up on that.
i've given up on everything.
i used to have massive,
remarkable aspirations. but they dont click with my reality anymore.
i used to see beauty everywhere. now all i see is the world.
i used to be an idealist. i guess i've grown up.
maybe i should stop the medication.
maybe pain is better than numb.
9th January 2003
apparently people read this thing? considering i havent written here in a lonnnnng time, im surprised why anyone would add my to their friends list. maybe its time to update then? :
i work at borders. its a job, what else can i say?
ive been getting mysterious phone calls from people of my past. is this supposed to happen/.
for awhile there i was creatively arid. now i have 4 projects going. 3 bands and some other non descript artsy fartsy thing.
my parents are psychotic assholes.
i have no romantic interests to pursue or even fantasize about. Boring with a capital B to say the least.
i think im gonna get a mark ryden-style bumble bee tattooed on me somewhere. any ideas where?
ive been reading good books lately. rilke's letters to a young poet, kissing in manhattan, a girl named zippy, etc etc etc.
can someone please inspire me. or think of ways to? pretty please with a cherry on top?
19th October 2002
so heres a funny story...
i got an email a few days ago from a person (i wish to keep them anonymous in case YOU decide to ruiin my fun). it was a mass email, and it was asking if anybody had acess to like, teleportation, and a flux time capictor and all this crazy shiznit. im like hello beautiful mind, ever hear of schizophrenia? so i was sorta interested in what the hell was going on, so emailed him bck with "i have what you need." thats all. remember im not a total loser and dont have time to write long drawn out emails to crazy people. plus i thought it would be sorta mysterious and creepy. well, it seems this mister likes that sorta thing. heres how he responded: :
I am going to need the DWG 52 4350a with memory adapter to start, I will offer you $5,000 2002 US funds for that, Do you have the memory adapter for it? Next I am going to need an unmodified reliable time transducing capacitor which is carbon based being compatible or temporal displacement unit. Which models do you have? I wish to be fair in price with you, So I will also offer you $5,000US for this as well. I would prefer to do business in person. How soon can you deliver? Do you have access to teleportation?
i replied: "yes i do. and i have everything you need. the prices are fair and reasonable. business in person is negotiable. anything else?"
and he replied:
Where are you from? Do you have access to teleportation? If not alternative shipping options will have to be arranged. How many times have they been used?
Here is how I want to do it, I have to be sure you have the items I need, so Please email me a photo of them so I know you have exactly what I am looking for. I will then over night you a money order, half now, half when I receive the time pieces. If you do not have a photo of the items or cannot get a photo of the items, I hope you can understand this makes me wonder, I would even appreciate it more if you were able to take a deposit from me of say $300 now so you know I am serious, mail the items to me, and then I send you full payment upon receiving them, I would be more then happy to discuss matters on the phone if you have any doubt whatsoever. I am attaching a photo of the cash so you know I am serious. Let me know what you wish to ASAP please, OK?
ok bob, right.
well he didnt attach a picture of his "cash" so i asked for it. and now i am eagerly awaiting his response, considering Bob's emails really just seem to brighten my day. maybe because it reminds me that im not as crazy as some people...so this whole crazy bob thing is to be continued....
18th October 2002
hizzowdy. hizzola. bonjour.
halleluiah i have a JOB! woohoo. i work at borders. most of the time i reshelve cds. its mostly like walking up a down escalator. the sections never stay the way you left them. sometimes i work at the info desk. i realllly suck at that. i can never ever find any books and i HATE answering the phones. they scares me. but i work at least 5 days a week and i did the math on how much im gonna make in 2 weeks and that put a big smile on my face, its well worth the sore feet. and my bum is getting sorta shapely, a nother plus. i fogure its from running round the store instead of sitting on it in front of the tv all day. money + perky bum = awesome. :
nothing else is really new. im sorta the artistic advisor for my friends' band The Reason. i help adam sing better and tell him if i like songs. some good labels are really interested in them, so im very proud. they rooock.
it looks so nice out today. i havent been outside yet but i really wanna go. ok im going. shoo.Who are you?
30th August 2002
JOURNEY TO THE MOTHERLAND
i have not written here in while. i am sorry amy, since youre the only person who reads this. i think. if anyone else does, hello. :
first off, the MTV vma's were spectacular. guns and roses played. rockin. britney spears didnt win shit. amazing. and the hives vs the vines kicked off the (fingers crossed) better music revolution, and i think the vines kicked the hives asses. oh and dashboard confessional won a moonman. HHHAAaAA! hilarious.
alright, now for what youve all been waiting for. my account of la trip to italy. it was supercallafragalisticexpialladocious. i mean it. we spent 3 days in rome. it sucked except for all the ancient stuff. the roman baths, the colliseum, the spanish steps, the vatican, all the ruins. it was beasutiful, but everything else sucked. my mom got her wallet stolen by ugly gypsies at a stupid flea market. and the food wasnt very good, except i had the best mozzarella and prosciutto ive ever had in whole life. yay.
after rome we flew to catania, sicily, and drove to taormina, which i predict will be the new saint tropez. its amazing. we stayed at this beautiful hotel on the beach. and taormina is the coolest place. all the hotels are down by the ocean, and then up on the mountain is the actual town of taormina. you have to take this big ski life thing to get up there where all the shops and cafes and restaurants are. its unbelieveable. the view is incredible. its heaven on earth. la bella sicilia. i named this trip "journey to the motherland". i am So proud to be sicilian. it is the most beautiful place on earth. hey and in case you all question my heritage, i aint no halfy italian american claiming to be sicilian. in fact, im so sicilian that my 3rd cousin is the governor of sicily. ha! AND my great great great (great?) grandfather built the teatro massimo, a beautiful opera house in the center of palermo, which, if you saw the godfadda part3 (yeah the sucky one), sofia coppola got murdered on the steps of it. now how freakin cool is that yo?
so yeah, in taormina, we ate a lot. we ate 2 huge meals a day. really good meals. lots of italian food. heh. im talkin hand rolled pasta, eggplant, god i cant even think of all the food i ate. everytime we went out to dinner, i met really interesting people. i met this old couple and their kids, the 3rd richest people in sicily. they make really good wine. and i met a lawyer, pucci, who is the princess of sicily's lawyer. and pucci's girlfriend, alida, a concert pianist. and paola, my friend maurizio's girlfriend, who is beautiful and sweet and a ballerina. oh man, thsi is alot. maybe i should stop here.
ill tell the rest later. im goin to bed. now, theres like 12 more days to tell of, and boy does it get interesting. so come back y'all, ya hear?
8th August 2002
im going to italy tommorrow neener neener neeeeennnneerrrrr! so im flying to rome tommorrow afternoon. we will be there for 3 days and then we are flying to sicily to hang out with sergio and maurizio and go to the beach for the rest of the 2 weeks. its gonna be fun, i forgot how funny those two are. people who speak broken english are funny. especially when they dont give a shit that we make fun of them. :
when i get back i will tell you all about hunkamania and my cousin vanessa's bachelorette party. i promis it will be exciting.
i cant decide whether im getting sick of being in love with someone that i dont have and if i should just have a stupid crush on someone just to stop thinking about the other guy. but then ill have a crush and maybe me and the crush would hook up and then id feel like crap cause hooking up is horrible...or the crush would reject me and then that would feel orrible to. so basically i have 3 choices here. stay in love with the guy and be sad hes so far away (crappy) OR develop a crush and then get rejected (crappy) OR develop a crush and hookup and then feel like a whore (crappy). maybe i should just go to italy and shut up*
ill miss everyone. ill write you all postcards! yay!
1st August 2002
reminds you of an ex-lover: "song about an angel" sunny day real estate :
reminds you of an ex-friend: "emone" lwl
makes you cry: "think" by sebadoh
makes you laugh: tenacious d
makes you wanna dance: "boom swagger boom" murder city devils
reminds you of the one you want: "think" by sebadoh
reminds you of the one you love: "think" by sebadoh
you wish you wrote: any beatles song
you never want to hear again: "the middle" jimmy eat world
you want to get married to: "happy together" the turtles
makes you want to mosh/bang your head: "party hard" andrew wk
sums up your teenage years: the pinball records comp
you like to wake up to: the I Am Sam soundtrack
you like out of your parents record collection: talking heads & a 99 red balloons 45 (english & german)
you love that you wouldn't know about if it wasn't for a friend: bright eyes & mirah
you love the video more than the tune: the new death cab for cutie song
reminds you of your first crush: nirvana unplugged
you love which is from your favorite movie: the royal tennenbaums soundtrack
makes you think of the moon: "pink moon" nick drake
makes you think of stars: "for me this is heaven" jimmy eat world
makes you think of the sun: sublime
makes you think of sex: "im a slave 4 u" - britney hahaha
makes you think of being alone: "stephanie says" velvet underground
you love to hear at clubs: the smiths and the cure and the faint
31st July 2002
when the curious girl realizes shes under a glass.
these are some words from my *bible* "A Return to Love" this book should be required reading for the world. :
"Love is what we were born with. Fear is what we have learned here. The spiritual journey is the relinquishment-or unlearning-of fear and the acceptance of love back in our hearts. Love is the essential existential fact. It is our ultimate reality and our purpose on earth. To be consciously aware of it, to experience love in ourselves and others, is the meaning of life...we came here to co-create with god by extending love. Life spent with any other purpose in mind is meaningless, contrary to our nature, and ultimately painful. It's as though weve been lost in a dark parallel universe where things are loved more than people. we overvalue what we percieve with our physical senses, and undervalue what we know to be true in our hearts." -Marianne Williamson
so i couldnt sleep last nite again. i had an idea. i wanna start a "quarter-life crisis hotline". like for people from 18-25 who are freaking out and going insane like me and a lot of other people i know. we are all trying to figure our shit out, on top of school, and relationships, and parents, and being independent, and its a lot to handle, i know personally it is. and im sure anyone else can agree. so i think it would be cool to have a line you can call and be comfortable talking to people our own age and getting advice and stuff. i have no idea how the hell id start that though. i just know that id love to help people and give them some of the amazing advice that ive been given. and since a lot of poeple my age cant afford a therapist and think its dumb to ask for help, its free, and id promote it as something cool, that people dont have to be afraid to call. id love to just talk to people going through the same stuff im going through. anyway, i wanna figure out how to do that. yeah, thats my idea. woo*
peace oot homekidz
30th July 2002
this is what my names means:
Your first name of Bianca has given you a quick-minded, sensitive nature. It gives you a creative ability in art, music, singing, or fancywork and an appreciation for refined surroundings. Your sociable nature expresses affection, kindness, and thoughtfulness to the extent that it is difficult for you not to be affected by others and governed by your emotions, rather than by logic and reason. As you respond to love and encouragement from others, your romantic and dreamy nature can easily lead you into love affairs. Your desire for peace at any price can result in going out of your way to avoid arguments and confrontation or hurting the feelings of others. Also, budgeting can be a problem as you enjoy spending money and can easily ignore being practical. Any health weaknesses would show in skin conditions, and also fluid problems affecting the glandular system and kidneys.
thats is so accurate it is very very scary.
29th July 2002
You are Gonzo!
You're a bit loopy, and many people have trouble figuring out exactly what you're supposed to be. You take pride in your eccentricity and originality.
Take the Which Wonder Years Character are you?
quiz by Ben
28th July 2002
up and down and over and out
alright so my goal in life now is to be amelie. that movie was the most amazing movie i have ever seen in my life. it definitely takes the winning : #1
spot on my list, a spot that until now has remained empty. ta da!
and today i discovered JCD. john cusack disorder. i realized that there seems to be a trend among some guys who idolize johnny boy as an actor, but more as a general character. they know all his old movies. they know all the minute trivia and facts about him. say anything is the holy grail, and yet his character rob in high fidelty is the persona most widely recognized. the way he thinks, the way he speaks, the way he counts down his top 5 everything and has a stellar record collection, not to mention stellar taste in music. always seems to be in a perpetual heartbroken state. this is the JCD man. age ranging from 18-25, old enough to understand how to play the sensitive tough guy thing, but still young enough to not understand how sad it is to think that you are john cusack. case in point: girls like john cusack and his movies too, but we think you guys are pathetic.
and i went to the beach last nite with loryn, rich and the guys from the reason. it was interesting. i didnt get home til 4am. loryn flashed her gigantic boobies to cars all the way down the parkway. and then we played a game of padiddle (sp?) and adam had to drive with his pants around his ankles. did i say interesting? i meant very interesting.
the movie pinero was really good. i recommend it highly.
23rd July 2002
la la laaa la la la
so i rearranged my room today. it is wonderful! it looks sooo much better, much more space and less "high school" if you know what i mean and i think you do. i also went through my families old pictures and bought and found some cool frames and framed all these interesting shots of like my grandma rollerskating and my parents when they were little and stuff. and pictures of like, my great great great grandparents (fo' real yo). i have a little more organizing to do though. im trying to make my room into a little office for my zine. all organized and crap. organization is a HUGE challenge for me, so actually taking the step is a pretty big thing for me. usually i just let everything fall where it lands and thats its home. kinda like me. :
oh and i went to target and they have they BESt stuff* i wish i was a freshman again and i could do the whole shopping for my dorm room thing again, that was fun. they have this new Todd Oldham dorm collection crappity crap and so theres cute rugs and storage bins and sheets and blankets and i want some. maybe i should be an interior decorator? i can add that to my list of like 50 possibilites of a major. argh, decisions, decisions.
oh and i just watched a walk to remember with mandy moore and i have to say, i was skeptical but god dammnit i cried and smiled and christ that as a good fuckin movie. heh, amelie is next for tonite* au revoir.